30 years of marriage. 30 thoughts about it!
it’s truly crazy that it’s real. we have been married 30 years?! how on earth? here are 30 things we've learned (or believe) about marriage and relationships after 30 years.
Luck seems to be 50% of any successful relationship. We were 20 when we were married. 20!! We had no clue what we were doing or if it would work or why it would work. We got really really lucky - we say it all the time. We’ve seen lots of marriages work and lots not. Like most things in life, it seems you need a little luck to make it work.
Esther Perel said you will be married three times in your life and if you’re lucky all three will be to the same person. We could NOT agree more. That seems to be one of the ways you get really lucky - you change at the same time or in ways that continue to work. We’ve changed so much. Luckily together.
Relationships that “work” seem to be something like gears. Or zippers. Two things that sync up somehow and, when they do, it’s pretty beautiful. When they don’t, it’s frustrating and annoying. Sometimes two people can never sync which says nothing about those two people as individuals, just their ability to sync.
We were raised believing marriage was two becoming one. It’s not. It’s the two staying two, united in fidelity and freedom. (Thanks Walter Brueggemann for that one.)
There is NO formula. Wow, did we believe there was when we were first married and we learned pretty quickly that was not true. After meeting countless relationships doing it in all kinds of ways, well, there is definitely no formula.
That said, even if there is no recipe, there does seem to be some pretty important ingredients for a successful relationship.
Keep it spicy. Spicy is a great word because it can mean all kinds of things to all kinds of people and yet, everyone knows when its spicy and when they are working to keep it spicy. Or not.
Fun is also one of the most underrated aspects of a relationship. Whatever fun is to you, do that.
Adventure. We sprinkle that in anyway we can. It’s another key!
These words all seem to be important to do together in some capacity or another. They all seem like important ingredients: dream, laugh, cry, fight, create, listen, watch, read, argue, sleep, inspire, challenge, play.
Respect seems like it’s more important than love. Love is great, of course, but respecting your partner is better. Respecting their feelings, their ideas, their pains, their joys, their feelings about you… maybe it’s just because love has become so assumed and respect doesn’t get talked about as much?
Sex seems to be an indicator of things working or not. It’s not that every couple needs to be having a lot of sex but shouldn’t every couple want and desire each other? Sex, itself, may not be the thing, but it being around - or not - sure is indicative of other things. James Corden wrote in Glamour Magazine that “Everything is always about sex but sex is always about something else.” That.
Marriages that stay together for the kids seem to be staying together for some reason that is not actually the kids. Kids are very aware and very smart. Teaching them to stay in something mediocre for them doesn’t seem to be a great lesson.
Putting our relationship first has been a key component in our “liking each other” so much. Those kids are great, but they are NOT first. They need us to be solid way more than they need to be catered too. If they are old enough to be with you late into the evening, we have been known to say “door is closed at 8 and it’s a date night in our room”. Popcorn and movies without THEM! That seems a better lesson?
Mediocrity should not be acceptable. Why in the world does anyone want a mediocre marriage or relationship? If it’s not amazing, don’t just accept that as the way it is… start working to make it different. (Or maybe start thinking about ending it.)
Speaking of ending it, lots of people are better off ending their marriages than staying in them.
If this is getting kind of dark for a 30 things at 30 years of marriage, it shouldn’t be. Having the freedom to leave a marriage is one of the most powerful motivators to make it beautiful and powerful. It seems like being able to leave a marriage makes us treasure it more than just knowing it will be around no matter how we act.
The treasure of this person, still on this earth, is a gift. We have friends who have lost their favorite person and it’s so heavy. How can we treasure each other and not take each other for granted?
We were raised with the idea that marriage was a bit of a magic ceremony. It somehow made everything cool - especially in god’s eyes. We now think marriage is more like a placebo for a good relationship. At it’s best it makes us do things that make it work - like a placebo often does. Actually placebos are pretty weird and almost magical so maybe marriage is a form of magic.
It doesn’t seem like there’s been any standard of what marriage is or how it should act in any one culture or religion or group of people that hasn’t changed over the years. It’s pretty cultural. But the ideas of commitment and trust of some kind have stuck around and seem to be pretty important to the success of humanity and individuals - which is interesting to think about. Don’t take either commitment or trust lightly.
Okay it’s a long quote but hear us out. Donald Symons an anthropologist who wrote “The Evolution of Human Sexuality” talked a lot about “the tendency of men to think in terms of ‘two kinds of women’—the kind they respect and the kind they just sleep with. One can imagine courtship as, among other things, a process of placing a woman in one category or the other. The test would run roughly as follows. If you find a woman who appears genetically suitable for investment, start spending lots of time with her. If she seems quite taken by you, and yet remains sexually aloof, stick with her. If, on the other hand, she seems eager for sex right away, then by all means oblige her. But if the sex does come that easily, you might want to shift from investment mode into exploitation mode. Her eagerness could mean she’ll always be an easy seduction—not a desirable quality in a wife. Just to add a trifle more ruthlessness to this strategy, the male may actually encourage the early sex for which he will ultimately punish the woman.” This is all from the book The Moral Animal which is about Evolutionary Psychology. All of that to say, we were raised in religious homes for which we have lots of NOT great things to say about the rules and morals and false values - but we will also say it’s amazing to see from an evolutionary perspective what religion was TRYING to do. Not excusing religion but it has made us really try to dig into the very base foundations of humanity - the truths that seem to stick around no matter how you try to get rid of them.
Speaking of religion - it truly seems to have nothing to do with whether a marriage is good or bad, stays together or not, or anything else really. Statistically and anecdotally.
When we were first dating, Ryan said he didn’t believe in “the one”. Not a great way to really win someone over, but 30 years later, Ryan still holds to it. Why? It seems more important to try and find someone you can try and work to make “the one” then to try and find “the one”. In other words, don’t worry as much about making the right decision as making the decision right.
That said, after meeting countless people who knew someone was NOT the right choice before they got married and got married anyway… it may not be possible to know if you’ve found the right person, but everyone usually knows when they have NOT found the right person. Listen to it early and often.
What is the goal of marriage? Hopefully to make life better. At it’s best, marriage is another set of eyes. If only we could remember that. lol. It's meant to make us better…. someone so close to us, seeing things that are admirable and also things that could be flaws. difficult to remember, but what a gift.
Sometimes work, effort, sacrifice, empathy, and lots of giving… aren’t very fun but they do make us better.
Always ask “what is not working” both in marriage and personally. Life is so short, so we want to get it right! but if we're asking what is not working, be prepared for the answer and be prepared to hit it.
If marriage is making the people in it and the world better - which we believe it can - then why the hell would people not be all for anyone and everyone being able to participate in that? (Probably for reason #25)
Chatting over bottles of wine, dreaming and imagining our future has given us life. especially in those days where they are so monotonous. Money is tight, vacations are non existent and date nights are not happening, but dreaming and manifesting what is to come is HUGE. Take a trip into the life you want and start making a pathway.
Almost everything we believe about marriage we could just say we believe about life. It can be pretty damn good with some luck, some effort, some wonder, and some dreaming.
Here’s to 30 more amazing, fun, inspiring, adventurous, spicy years! xo Heidi & Ryan